I am beginning to see what could be the glimmerings of good things to come. I am afraid, though. Afraid to trust, afraid to let go. I do believe, and my mustard seed of faith has brought me into incredible places in the past…help me to continue in that pattern. Help me to not give ear to the enemy’s lies. Jesus, you know me. You know everything about me. That one time when you told Peter that the enemy had desired to sift him as wheat…I completely identify with that whole entire situation.
What am I trying to say?
We have just come through a season of absolute loss and pain. You have walked through much of it with me, and you have carried me through the rest. It was worse than I could ever hope to be able to use words to describe, and it’s still not quite over. Now I find myself unable to consider the possibility of future blessing without also anticipating that these blessings will then be destroyed at some point, and cause this kind of pain all over again.
I would like to think that these anticipations do not reflect an accurate understanding of what the truth really is. There are versions of the truth, though, which do ascribe to such a view, and I have some of these versions still bouncing around inside…these poisonous narratives echoing still, within chambers of my mind that may yet be locked.
The whole thing is a problem.
Jesus, I give it all to you right now. I choose to lay down my cares, fears, hopes, desires, and everything else right here at the foot of the cross. I give you my burdens. I give you my dreams. I give you everything that I have inside me that I can possibly offer you, and in exchange I receive your peace, your comfort, your wisdom, your counsel, and your faith. I receive the faith of the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I acknowledge that my own handle on this faith has not been the best. The enemy has been able to steal the word from me in all kinds of ways, and right now I acknowledge my failings. I confess them to you as I draw upon your endless reservoir of all things good. I connect fully with you, right here in this moment, and I give you the sacrifice of praise, even though I may not feel like it.
I refuse fear. I refuse doubt. They are active, conscious entities which vie for my soul, and I deny and renounce all fellowship with them, here and now – and forever.
Thank you, God, that these things are possible and freely given, despite anything else. Thank you that what you have done for us constitutes the highest truth. Thank you that you have blotted out what was written against us.
Help me to live in this kind of gratitude, no matter what. Help me to heal in this way.