The very first thing, the only thing, the ultimate thing I must do before anything else…the thing upon which everything else I do must be based; that’s what this is.
You have chased me with your love. Well, here I am…
I am me, and You know that. You are not surprised, or shocked, and still I am sorry (really, though) about all this mess. Knowing so fully all the ways in which I have fallen short, I feel as though I must be this gigantic disappointment to you, but somehow it’s the enemy’s voice which brings this up, this consciousness of the travesty of the state of my self. You have never showed up to rub my nose in something. The real You has never done this. Not. One. Time.
Christ in me is my only hope. There is a certain way in which an understanding of this idea forms the centermost foundational thing in each present moment now, if I am engaging that moment in the best way possible — that is, in the way which would prove most beneficial to my soul, and thus to the world.
Jesus, sometimes I feel like my soul is kind of a dumb bird. But You do not feel this way. To You, my soul is the most beautiful thing…worth dying for. Worth enduring unspeakable pain. Worth sacrificing a lifetime of pleasure and opportunity…
To sacrifice one’s life is already a super huge thing.
To sacrifice your life for someone who hates you? You did that for me, for us…this is like the ultimate example of what we all know real love is. We all know it, deep down. Real love endures anything and everything, and it just keeps believing in the redeeming value of the thing that it loves.
And you’re not taking it back. You’re not saying to me, “Ugh, actually, you know what? Never mind. This is dumb. I guess you’re not worth it after all.”
Because You don’t think that way. That’s not what You’re like. That’s not who You are.
You’re staying 100 percent fully committed, in each and every moment. Even the moments where I’m totally screwing it up, all you are ever actually wanting to do is to be with me. All you want me to do is to come to You, and to just be there in that place. We call it the secret place, under the shadow of Your wings.
Its crazy that You have wings.
In any given situation, no matter how twisted around things may have gotten, the only thing you want me to do is to run to you. You just want me to be with You. I have been in the dark, Lord, and when I was there I did not feel like you wanted me to run to you. I felt like you wanted to unleash wrath on me. But my feelings, real as though they were, did not reflect an accurate understanding of reality…