How do I do this? How do I take this much pain, this much disappointment, this much hopelessness, and filter it through the whole absolute love thing? To be without malice or vindictive intent in absolutely all. To respond out of benevolent compassion, in complete totality, always and everywhere. My habits and patterns are so far from this place. The only way I know to change this is to soak in Your living presence, Jesus. As I do this, You speak to me, you breathe through me, and Your love crystallizes all up in my soul’s most injured places. Then comes peace. Beyond anything I could ever possibly hope to understand in this life…that’s what it’s like.
Then I’m right back out in open battle again, though, and I’m getting all kinds of pain stuff happening, and it’s super confusing. Super frustrating.
To do the best that I can, though, to trust in You, to lean into you, and to keep making a habit out of resting in Your presence when I have opportunity…slow and steady wins the race. Answering the trials with a tempered response of fully love-flavored consistency. You’ve got me. This much, I know. And as I watch it unfold before me, it’s almost like I really do know.
There’s always that lingering doubt. There’s always those fears which dance on the edges of my mind. Sometimes they jump right into the middle of things again, and I have to really take a step back. I have to remove myself from the battle and seek shelter in the secret place. I have to take time to re-center. Time to abide.
I choose to continue. I choose to keep trusting. I rely on You for even the strength and the will to keep making this choice, because all of this only happens through You. When I try to take over, it just starts to hurt, and to die, and I’m reminded pretty quickly why it’s not smart for me to do that. Then I shake myself off, get back up, and head back into the secret place with you, and that is where we can breathe together. That is where I can remember that we are one. That is the place where the magic happens. That’s where it all goes down.
This only works as I die, though. Which is…I mean, it’s all good. I was gonna die anyways.